Me too!
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
