did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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