im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
