i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
