Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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