Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Help. Why am I so naked?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
