Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
