i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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