Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
