the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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