i love accidental penises.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
