there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
