I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
