Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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