fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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