epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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