If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Houston, we have a squirter
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
