So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
