if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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