He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
