Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
