I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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