My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
