have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
