yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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