Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
