a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
