I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
