I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
