Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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