Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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