the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
