I need to stop coming to work sober
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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