Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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