Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
