You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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