My Higher Power is John Stamos
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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