I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize