Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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