I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
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