He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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