dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
