wanna go halves on a baby?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
