and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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