Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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