FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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