why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
