I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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