I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
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