I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
my poor anus
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
