god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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