i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
