Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
