Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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