she woke up with a sticky ear
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
