Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
