I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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