ya dads aren't the best wingmen
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize