apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
