It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
