shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize