Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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