he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I'm both gender and math confused
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize