i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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