apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
